This year, Al Shugairy decided to compare Muslims of now to themselves 1000 years ago. He was hoping to find out reasons behind Muslims failure nowadays, and put it side by side with Muslims achievements centuries ago – aiming that would be like a wake up call for a new revival.

I actually knew Ahmed Al Shugairy since early 2000′s during another famous Islamic program called “The Journey” with Sheikh Hamza Yusuf. The program was also featuring many aspects of Islam’s glory, and I would like to admit that it was the reason behind me willing to master the Arabic Language. I felt ashamed of myself when Hamza Yusuf -a newly American convert to Islam- can recite full Arabic poems, while me – a born Arab- can not do it as brilliant as he does.

However, if you asked me what do I like specifically about “Khawater”, I won’t really say because it shakes dust off and refute the misconceptions about Muslims, Islam and Islamic culture. But rather, I liked it for how it’s simply presented by a man, a young Muslim man, who is very similar to any one you can pass by in your streets – wherever your streets are. Al Shugairy doesn’t have a long beard, nor a frowning face or a harsh voice to threat you. He is just a “human” who laughs, plays with kids and makes fun with his program crew. He is also a very well educated, open minded Muslim who can speak both English and Arabic eloquently. To cut it short, he is totally the opposite to how muslims are portrayed in western media..

That’s why I do love “Khawater”. And that’s why I invite you to watch it.. A kind person volunteered to translate this year’s episodes into English.

For some reason, God decided not to reveal which night it is during the holy month. Some scholars justified this by claiming it’s to let Muslims devote more time for praying and praising Allah all month long. However, other scholars strongly guessed that Lailat El Qadr may be in the last ten days in Ramadan. Therefore, it is not strange to find Muslims increasing prayers all night long, every night, till after dawn – particularly in these days..

Every year I have one thing to ask God for. A year I asked for “Al Tawfeeq” in life.. (it means to have God’s support in my doings reaching out success, and also His satisfaction).. other years I asked for health, or the feeling of satisfaction..
When I have nothing in particular to wish for, I say the favorite duaa (prayer) by the Prophet:

اللهم انك عفوٌ كريم تحب العفو فاعفٌ عنا

My rough translation:
Oh God. You are generous and merciful. Please have mercy upon us.

To have mercy in life or in after life, is very vital for us to keep going. It may be the one thing that can really help us bear life, with all its hardships, obstacles, messing up, and pain.
However, this year I felt like asking:

اللهم أرني الحق حقًا وإرزقني اتباعه. وأرني الباطل باطلًا وارزقني اجتنابه

My rough translation:
Oh God. Please show me the right as right, and enlighten me to follow it. And show me the falsehood as falsehood, and guide me to abstain from it.

I’ve witnessed many situations the past year where I couldn’t decide which is right and which is wrong. Things were vaguely mixed that turned into the impossible itself to know the truth. Two contradicting meanings for the same word, and two contradicting words for the same meaning. And the most terrible thing, is when you feel weak.. weak enough to pick the easier or the brighter choice..

In a hadeeth, the Prophet once said:

حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو نُعَيْمٍ حَدَّثَنَا زَكَرِيَّاءُ عَنْ عَامِرٍ قَالَ سَمِعْتُ النُّعْمَانَ بْنَ بَشِيرٍ يَقُولُ سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَقُولُ الْحَلَالُ بَيِّنٌ وَالْحَرَامُ بَيِّنٌ وَبَيْنَهُمَا مُشَبَّهَاتٌ لَا يَعْلَمُهَا كَثِيرٌ مِنْ النَّاسِ فَمَنْ اتَّقَى الْمُشَبَّهَاتِ اسْتَبْرَأَ لِدِينِهِ وَعِرْضِهِ وَمَنْ وَقَعَ فِي الشُّبُهَاتِ كَرَاعٍ يَرْعَى حَوْلَ الْحِمَى يُوشِكُ أَنْ يُوَاقِعَهُ أَلَا وَإِنَّ لِكُلِّ مَلِكٍ حِمًى أَلَا إِنَّ حِمَى اللَّهِ فِي أَرْضِهِ مَحَارِمُهُ. أَلَا وَإِنَّ فِي الْجَسَدِ مُضْغَةً إِذَا صَلَحَتْ صَلَحَ الْجَسَدُ كُلُّهُ وَإِذَا فَسَدَتْ فَسَدَ الْجَسَدُ كُلُّهُ أَلَا وَهِيَ الْقَلْبُ
صحيح البخاري – كِتَاب الْإِيمَانِ – بَاب فَضْلِ مَنْ اسْتَبْرَأَ لِدِينِهِ

I can’t translate this one, but it simply says: the haraam is known, and the halal is known. Between both, there are some similarities which not many people can know.

Sometimes, sometimes I like to sit alone at night to evaluate my doings. And every time I have these verses from Quran (Al Kahf: 103, 104, and 105) echoing in my head:

Translation by Yusuf Ali:
Say: “Shall we tell you of those who lose most in respect of their deeds?- (103) “Those whose efforts have been wasted in this life, while they thought that they were acquiring good by their works?” (104) They are those who deny the Signs of their Lord and the fact of their having to meet Him (in the Hereafter): vain will be their works, nor shall We, on the Day of Judgment, give them any weight. (105)

Al Kahf (The cave: 103, 104 and 105)

Some scholars explained these verses saying it is only related to non believers.. but one will never know. It really makes me wonder and ponder whether am I doing something useful or sheer waste of time? is it worthy or pure nonsense? – but how can I know when sometimes I don’t know for sure what is right and what is wrong..

One last hadeeth for tonight by the Prophet says:

حَدَّثَنَا عَفَّانُ حَدَّثَنَا حَمَّادُ بْنُ سَلَمَةَ أَخْبَرَنَا الزُّبَيْرُ أَبُو عَبْدِ السَّلَامِ عَنْ أَيُّوبَ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ مِكْرَزٍ وَلَمْ يَسْمَعْهُ مِنْهُ قَالَ حَدَّثَنِي جُلَسَاؤُهُ وَقَدْ رَأَيْتُهُ عَنْ وَابِصَةَ الْأَسَدِيِّ قَالَ عَفَّانُ حَدَّثَنِي غَيْرَ مَرَّةٍ وَلَمْ يَقُلْ حَدَّثَنِي جُلَسَاؤُهُ قَالَ أَتَيْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَأَنَا أُرِيدُ أَنْ لَا أَدَعَ شَيْئًا مِنْ الْبِرِّ وَالْإِثْمِ إِلَّا سَأَلْتُهُ عَنْهُ وَحَوْلَهُ عِصَابَةٌ مِنْ الْمُسْلِمِينَ يَسْتَفْتُونَهُ فَجَعَلْتُ أَتَخَطَّاهُمْ قَالُوا إِلَيْكَ يَا وَابِصَةُ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قُلْتُ دَعُونِي فَأَدْنُوَ مِنْهُ فَإِنَّهُ أَحَبُّ النَّاسِ إِلَيَّ أَنْ أَدْنُوَ مِنْهُ قَالَ دَعُوا وَابِصَةَ ادْنُ يَا وَابِصَةُ مَرَّتَيْنِ أَوْ ثَلَاثًا قَالَ فَدَنَوْتُ مِنْهُ حَتَّى قَعَدْتُ بَيْنَ يَدَيْهِ فَقَالَ يَا وَابِصَةُ أُخْبِرُكَ أَوْ تَسْأَلُنِي قُلْتُ لَا بَلْ أَخْبِرْنِي فَقَالَ جِئْتَ تَسْأَلُنِي عَنْ الْبِرِّ وَالْإِثْمِ فَقَالَ نَعَمْ فَجَمَعَ أَنَامِلَهُ فَجَعَلَ يَنْكُتُ بِهِنَّ فِي صَدْرِي وَيَقُولُ يَا وَابِصَةُ اسْتَفْتِ قَلْبَكَ وَاسْتَفْتِ نَفْسَكَ ثَلَاثَ مَرَّاتٍ الْبِرُّ مَا اطْمَأَنَّتْ إِلَيْهِ النَّفْسُ وَالْإِثْمُ مَا حَاكَ فِي النَّفْسِ وَتَرَدَّدَ فِي الصَّدْرِ وَإِنْ أَفْتَاكَ النَّاسُ وَأَفْتَوْكَ
مسند أحمد – مُسْنَدُ الشَّامِيِّينَ – البر ما اطمأنت إليه النفس

As well, I can’t translate this one, but to quickly explain it, the prophet was telling us in case of confusion – or in case one has no clue- one’s last resort is to ask his/her heart and follow what it tells is right.. no matter what others may say.

Therefore, I felt that the one thing I really need to ask God for this year, and for every year, is to enlighten my heart to the right thing, and support me to do it and show me clearly the wrong things, and help me to abstain from doing it.

Translation by Yusuf Ali:
No misfortune can happen on earth or in your souls but is recorded in a decree before We bring it into existence: That is truly easy for Allah: (22) In order that ye may not despair over matters that pass you by, nor exult over favours bestowed upon you. For Allah loveth not any vainglorious boaster,- (23) Such persons as are covetous and commend covetousness to men. And if any turn back (from Allah’s Way), verily Allah is Free of all Needs, Worthy of all Praise. (24)

Al-Hadid (Iron : verses 22, 23 and 24)

It was such a relief to remind myself that everything happens in life, whether good or bad, is for a reason. It is by God, and for something God has written for me.

I also remembered a quote by an Old Muslim scholar Imam Hasan Al-Basri.. which says:

جَاء رجَلٌ إلى الحَسن البَصري رحمَهُ الله يسأله : ما سر زُهدَكَ في الدنيا يا إمام ؟
فقال أربعة اشياء : عَلمتُ أن رزقي لا يأخذهُ غيريٌ فاطمئن قلبيٌ . وعَلمتُ أن عمَلي لا يقومُ به غيري فاشتغلت به وحدي . وعَلمتُ أن الله مطلعٌ عَليً فاستحييت أن يراني عَلى معصيَةٌ . وعَلمتُ أن الموت ينتظرني فأعددتُ الزادَ للقاء ربي .

My rough translation:
A man came to Hasan al-Basri – Allah’s mercy upon him- and asked: Oh Imam, What is the secret behind your relinquish to the world?
He said four things: I learned that no one will take my livelihood, so I felt serenity in my heart. I learned that no one else will do my work, so I did it myself. I learned that God knows everything, so out of bashfulness, I didn’t want Him to see me sinning. I also learned that death is waiting for me, so I prepared all the good things to meet God.

Despite the bitterness and the slight ache in my heart, I felt much better after I thought back of the above..
And I ask God reward me good in the future يعوضني خيرا منها.. Amen.

She replied that fasting is the one and only ritual which you can pretend infront of anybody except Allah, because it is secretive between you and Him. My father also told me the same answer, but I know for a fact – it didn’t satisfy me then, and not even now.

Most of the rituals can be regarded the same way. You can go to a mosque, but you are not actually praying, as well as, you can not go to a mosque and you would never miss a duty فريضة .. A person who is showing off, can show off in anything he/she is practicing..

However, I think that there is something about fasting more than just not eating, drinking, or not having sex from dawn till sunset.. It requires you to be “good with others”. You should also fast insulting, fighting, gossiping.. etc during fasting or else it won’t be accepted.
But still that doesn’t solve the riddle, because in Hajj you are obliged not to fight or insult لا رفث ولا فسوق.. as well as not to follow Zakat with harm or unkindness لا تتبعها بالمن ولا بالأذى..

So far the one thing I read [Ar] and found it may have a more appropriate explanation would be because fasting is God’s most preferable ritual. He is the only one aware of everyone’s fasting degrees – how honest you are about not eating or drinking, and how far you’ve tried to be a good person with others. Therefore He is the only one to know how to reward it.. as simple as that..

But of course, I am contemplating.. I really don’t know..

Today was the first time ever my mother had a lunch / dinner / Iftar without us!.. She was invited to some gathering she couldn’t not go.. And well, though I did dishes which were liked by my father and brother (Salad, Fatet Shawerma, Hummus and Thomya.. aka, Lebanese cuisine), but she was defiantly missed.

However, I have to tell that I felt happy that she was having other activity apart from us or her work.. May be that’s a new start for her?.. who knows.. I always wondered what she, or any other women with her circumstances, would do after retiring. After dedicating all her life to only her family and work, then all of a sudden she leaves work to find out that each one of her children has a separate life. I reckon it’s easier for men to adapt to life after retirment, isn’t it?.. They would easily find new activities or small communities that share their interests. But well, I wonder if there are any gender studies about life after retirement  for our part of world..

We enjoyed Iftar, and she enjoyed her day out.. and that was it for the day..

May you always be surrounded by your loved ones.. (Cont.)

A typical Iftar in my uncle’s house is composed of dates, soup, green salad, stuffed cabbage, chicken or meat, and molokhya (that’s done especially for me). We sit on the floor (not chairs) gathering around a small table. We all eat from a single big dish – except for meat that should be assigned per person by my uncle himself. Usually women eat together on a separate table, but me and my mother, we the city people, eat with my father and brother on the men’s table.

After Iftar, men go to pray Maghreb, sometimes women join them, but most of the time they’d be busy cleaning the kitchen or feeding youngsters. After prayers, the big family gather and exchange talk, mainly about religion or politics – since my uncle is the mosque’s Shiekh and now my cousin is taking over. As you notice, TV has no place – and that may be the only thing I don’t like about the day because I usually miss watching my favorite shows. But well.. who cares..

My father and uncle like to do Esha and Tarawih prayers together alone, it’s a good chance for them to exchange some private talk. My uncle is neither the oldest, nor the youngest, but he is indeed the wisest and the dearest person to my father, hence we feel the same towards him and his family. And therefore, despite the tiresome of travel, I always wait for this visit in particular because as you can see, it’s a day you have to enjoy light talks, and sincere laughter from the heart.. (I’ll get back to talk about my uncle’s family later again..)

May you find “serenity” somewhere.. (Cont.)

This year Ramadan is different.
For the past two years my parents used to tell me “Hope next Ramadan we would visit you in your house”. But a year and two passed, then I broke up.. and here I am spending with them more Ramadans for no-one-knows-how-long..

I can confidently tell that I don’t regret such decision, in fact it was an essential experience in my life. Something one needs in order to grow stronger, to be more determined over dark cloud of thoughts, and to start identifying the meaning of one’s own home, a place where you can set your own rules, dreams and realities..

This Ramadan is also different because I’ve coincidentally decided (facts confuse here between what I willingly decided and what coincidentally just happened) not to accept two offers for a long visit / study / work abroad. I wouldn’t imagine me eating in an empty apartment, or living in a block where I barely recognize anyone’s face..

I won’t claim I know for a fact whether I am happy or not, or if I’ll reconsider this decision in the future.. Especially that I am still under the influence of the cultural shock from the one and only non-Arab country I’ve visited, which also made me think about how we grow up and get used to some traditions and culture, and despite our refusal to part of it, we are still bound to such culture that any trial to break free may only lead to our feeling of loss forever..

Our country is turning into a suffocating monster, forcing everybody to leave.. Exactly like the house of the family when you live there more than expected. However you have mixed feelings towards both – you love, and sometimes curse- and more importantly you call both “home” though you ask yourself “for how long one can bear it?”..

May one find a “Home”.. (Cont.)

For I don’t-remember-how-long, it’s been a habit to have the first day of Ramadan’s Iftar with my small family members – only the four of us- me, my mother, my father and brother. No matter what we have that day, we always made sure never to miss it, except for –as I remember- first Ramadan in college in 2002. It was a long day, and by the time I was leaving college, Cairo traffic was too terrible to return home on time. Out of no where a stranger gave me a handful of dates to break my fast with, while I was walking down a street.. Suddenly I found tears filling my eyes.. I was crying.

I don’t have a tangible reason for such reaction, especially as I recall I was literally two streets away from my house, but indeed it was the loneliest moment I’ve lived till now. The Azan in the background wrapped with holy silence, the empty streets with wafting smell of tasty food coming from every window.. the vision of merry families waiting for Iftar, with children’s laughter and noises coming out of kitchens before putting down the table.. These thoughts were too hard for me to grasp alone.. And that’s may be why this moment is pinned in my memory to stay..

God bless the warmth of the “family”.. (Cont.)

For a minute I felt how much I miss the feeling of attending a concert.. a real concert where I would get lost amid the crowds. I would forget being a Muslim, hijabi in an Eastern society. I would sing loudly.. sway with music, clap and jump. Dance if needed.. and let my hair scatter all around.. reaching a sun.

At this particular moment I felt I need not to think I am free, but to practice being free and to be myself, no matter how odd myself can be.

Few minutes more, and I left..

However, the most amazing thing about Nineteen Eighty-Four, is how Winston -the main character- is constanty drawing our attention to his feeling of being lost in time. How he is not able to identify what year he’s living in or pinpoint exactly when this or that incident happened. Most of the time he’s talking about the “thereabouts” in time, with a blurry memory and confused mind whether “facts” ever happened at all.

Time is always a personal fascinating subject. And the question whether we are living in time, or time is living within us, used to, and still, a demanding topic – even if I know before hand it’s difficult to find an answer.. But just imagine you are living with no memory at all to linger on to -no books, no clearly written history – except that fed to your brain by “them” whoever they are.
Messing up with nations’ memories can never be any easier.. Controlling their future can never be even more easier..

I woke up today with a persistent thought in my mind that the more I grasp I am living tomorrow’s history, the more I want to remember everything as much as I can today.. I have to stay aware and , all willfully, keep the history as vivid in mind as I possible can, to pass it on to my children and grand children. There are certain facts that should never be forgotten, fundamentally in a corrupted and highly disturbed present as the one we are living in; one should never confuse between his enemies and friends. Else, everything our grandparents sacrificed in the past will be gone as fast as a flicker of an eye in the future..

You re-read the whole thing again and don’t really know whether it was the very you who allowed your mind to trick you by hiding all these signs , to may be give you the pleasure of dreaming it may have been you for few minutes? or was it your mind that did it all on it’s own?..

But you won’t really know the difference then..