لَسْتُ أَدرِي

In the last ten days in Ramadan, Muslims inspect Lailat El Qadr (laila: means a night. El Qadr: means power). It is the night when the first verses of Quran were revealed to Prophet Muhammad – peace be upon him. God said that this night has more blessings than a thousand months. There is an hour in it if one prayed profoundly, anything he/she asks for will be accepted and all his/her sins will be forgiven.

For some reason, God decided not to reveal which night it is during the holy month. Some scholars justified this by claiming it’s to let Muslims devote more time for praying and praising Allah all month long. However, other scholars strongly guessed that Lailat El Qadr may be in the last ten days in Ramadan. Therefore, it is not strange to find Muslims increasing prayers all night long, every night, till after dawn – particularly in these days..

Every year I have one thing to ask God for. A year I asked for “Al Tawfeeq” in life.. (it means to have God’s support in my doings reaching out success, and also His satisfaction).. other years I asked for health, or the feeling of satisfaction..
When I have nothing in particular to wish for, I say the favorite duaa (prayer) by the Prophet:

اللهم انك عفوٌ كريم تحب العفو فاعفٌ عنا

My rough translation:
Oh God. You are generous and merciful. Please have mercy upon us.

To have mercy in life or in after life, is very vital for us to keep going. It may be the one thing that can really help us bear life, with all its hardships, obstacles, messing up, and pain.
However, this year I felt like asking:

اللهم أرني الحق حقًا وإرزقني اتباعه. وأرني الباطل باطلًا وارزقني اجتنابه

My rough translation:
Oh God. Please show me the right as right, and enlighten me to follow it. And show me the falsehood as falsehood, and guide me to abstain from it.

I’ve witnessed many situations the past year where I couldn’t decide which is right and which is wrong. Things were vaguely mixed that turned into the impossible itself to know the truth. Two contradicting meanings for the same word, and two contradicting words for the same meaning. And the most terrible thing, is when you feel weak.. weak enough to pick the easier or the brighter choice..

In a hadeeth, the Prophet once said:

حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو نُعَيْمٍ حَدَّثَنَا زَكَرِيَّاءُ عَنْ عَامِرٍ قَالَ سَمِعْتُ النُّعْمَانَ بْنَ بَشِيرٍ يَقُولُ سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَقُولُ الْحَلَالُ بَيِّنٌ وَالْحَرَامُ بَيِّنٌ وَبَيْنَهُمَا مُشَبَّهَاتٌ لَا يَعْلَمُهَا كَثِيرٌ مِنْ النَّاسِ فَمَنْ اتَّقَى الْمُشَبَّهَاتِ اسْتَبْرَأَ لِدِينِهِ وَعِرْضِهِ وَمَنْ وَقَعَ فِي الشُّبُهَاتِ كَرَاعٍ يَرْعَى حَوْلَ الْحِمَى يُوشِكُ أَنْ يُوَاقِعَهُ أَلَا وَإِنَّ لِكُلِّ مَلِكٍ حِمًى أَلَا إِنَّ حِمَى اللَّهِ فِي أَرْضِهِ مَحَارِمُهُ. أَلَا وَإِنَّ فِي الْجَسَدِ مُضْغَةً إِذَا صَلَحَتْ صَلَحَ الْجَسَدُ كُلُّهُ وَإِذَا فَسَدَتْ فَسَدَ الْجَسَدُ كُلُّهُ أَلَا وَهِيَ الْقَلْبُ
صحيح البخاري – كِتَاب الْإِيمَانِ – بَاب فَضْلِ مَنْ اسْتَبْرَأَ لِدِينِهِ

I can’t translate this one, but it simply says: the haraam is known, and the halal is known. Between both, there are some similarities which not many people can know.

Sometimes, sometimes I like to sit alone at night to evaluate my doings. And every time I have these verses from Quran (Al Kahf: 103, 104, and 105) echoing in my head:

Translation by Yusuf Ali:
Say: “Shall we tell you of those who lose most in respect of their deeds?- (103) “Those whose efforts have been wasted in this life, while they thought that they were acquiring good by their works?” (104) They are those who deny the Signs of their Lord and the fact of their having to meet Him (in the Hereafter): vain will be their works, nor shall We, on the Day of Judgment, give them any weight. (105)

Al Kahf (The cave: 103, 104 and 105)

Some scholars explained these verses saying it is only related to non believers.. but one will never know. It really makes me wonder and ponder whether am I doing something useful or sheer waste of time? is it worthy or pure nonsense? – but how can I know when sometimes I don’t know for sure what is right and what is wrong..

One last hadeeth for tonight by the Prophet says:

حَدَّثَنَا عَفَّانُ حَدَّثَنَا حَمَّادُ بْنُ سَلَمَةَ أَخْبَرَنَا الزُّبَيْرُ أَبُو عَبْدِ السَّلَامِ عَنْ أَيُّوبَ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ مِكْرَزٍ وَلَمْ يَسْمَعْهُ مِنْهُ قَالَ حَدَّثَنِي جُلَسَاؤُهُ وَقَدْ رَأَيْتُهُ عَنْ وَابِصَةَ الْأَسَدِيِّ قَالَ عَفَّانُ حَدَّثَنِي غَيْرَ مَرَّةٍ وَلَمْ يَقُلْ حَدَّثَنِي جُلَسَاؤُهُ قَالَ أَتَيْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَأَنَا أُرِيدُ أَنْ لَا أَدَعَ شَيْئًا مِنْ الْبِرِّ وَالْإِثْمِ إِلَّا سَأَلْتُهُ عَنْهُ وَحَوْلَهُ عِصَابَةٌ مِنْ الْمُسْلِمِينَ يَسْتَفْتُونَهُ فَجَعَلْتُ أَتَخَطَّاهُمْ قَالُوا إِلَيْكَ يَا وَابِصَةُ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قُلْتُ دَعُونِي فَأَدْنُوَ مِنْهُ فَإِنَّهُ أَحَبُّ النَّاسِ إِلَيَّ أَنْ أَدْنُوَ مِنْهُ قَالَ دَعُوا وَابِصَةَ ادْنُ يَا وَابِصَةُ مَرَّتَيْنِ أَوْ ثَلَاثًا قَالَ فَدَنَوْتُ مِنْهُ حَتَّى قَعَدْتُ بَيْنَ يَدَيْهِ فَقَالَ يَا وَابِصَةُ أُخْبِرُكَ أَوْ تَسْأَلُنِي قُلْتُ لَا بَلْ أَخْبِرْنِي فَقَالَ جِئْتَ تَسْأَلُنِي عَنْ الْبِرِّ وَالْإِثْمِ فَقَالَ نَعَمْ فَجَمَعَ أَنَامِلَهُ فَجَعَلَ يَنْكُتُ بِهِنَّ فِي صَدْرِي وَيَقُولُ يَا وَابِصَةُ اسْتَفْتِ قَلْبَكَ وَاسْتَفْتِ نَفْسَكَ ثَلَاثَ مَرَّاتٍ الْبِرُّ مَا اطْمَأَنَّتْ إِلَيْهِ النَّفْسُ وَالْإِثْمُ مَا حَاكَ فِي النَّفْسِ وَتَرَدَّدَ فِي الصَّدْرِ وَإِنْ أَفْتَاكَ النَّاسُ وَأَفْتَوْكَ
مسند أحمد – مُسْنَدُ الشَّامِيِّينَ – البر ما اطمأنت إليه النفس

As well, I can’t translate this one, but to quickly explain it, the prophet was telling us in case of confusion – or in case one has no clue- one’s last resort is to ask his/her heart and follow what it tells is right.. no matter what others may say.

Therefore, I felt that the one thing I really need to ask God for this year, and for every year, is to enlighten my heart to the right thing, and support me to do it and show me clearly the wrong things, and help me to abstain from doing it.

I remember when I asked my religion teacher, in primary school, why God especially mentioned fasting when He said “All Adam son’s work is for him, except fasting it is mine, and I shall reward it”..

She replied that fasting is the one and only ritual which you can pretend infront of anybody except Allah, because it is secretive between you and Him. My father also told me the same answer, but I know for a fact – it didn’t satisfy me then, and not even now.

Most of the rituals can be regarded the same way. You can go to a mosque, but you are not actually praying, as well as, you can not go to a mosque and you would never miss a duty فريضة .. A person who is showing off, can show off in anything he/she is practicing..

However, I think that there is something about fasting more than just not eating, drinking, or not having sex from dawn till sunset.. It requires you to be “good with others”. You should also fast insulting, fighting, gossiping.. etc during fasting or else it won’t be accepted.
But still that doesn’t solve the riddle, because in Hajj you are obliged not to fight or insult لا رفث ولا فسوق.. as well as not to follow Zakat with harm or unkindness لا تتبعها بالمن ولا بالأذى..

So far the one thing I read [Ar] and found it may have a more appropriate explanation would be because fasting is God’s most preferable ritual. He is the only one aware of everyone’s fasting degrees – how honest you are about not eating or drinking, and how far you’ve tried to be a good person with others. Therefore He is the only one to know how to reward it.. as simple as that..

But of course, I am contemplating.. I really don’t know..