لَسْتُ أَدرِي

But by the time I reached home, I was tired to the extent that I was sitting in front of TV not because I was watching something, but rather because I didn’t have the slightest ability to do anything else, even sleeping..

Summer is awful, and summer plus work is unbearable. Already you are exhausted by the hot weather and humidity. Add to that if you are taking a course or having lots of errands to do.
I pity my friend who just got married the day before yesterday. She must have lived a nightmare before the wedding day.

Today, its Sunday morning. I began to like Sunday mornings because of the hour or two I have alone in the house. (May be that’s the only good thing about having Saturday and Sunday as your weekend..!).
Opened the shuffle and listened to ‘my music’ ..
It’s been time..

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Remember when I said I want to pursue my French? Alright, yesterday was my first French exam in CCFC. I did unexpectedly well. In addition to that, finished the first 6 chapters in the first French novel I’d read “Le petit prince”.
Something to feel proud of and refreshed ;)

Every time I go to the course’s sessions, I end up with faith even stronger that the first recipe for a happy life is.. “Live life learning, and you’ll never grow old”..

Don’t fall into the well of believing you have nothing else to know about life, nothing else to give and that’s enough. Go find something to learn, anything, cooking or astronomy. Its life! No longer a boring university with five or ten subjects to choose from; but a wide campus with lots of ‘humanity’ and ‘little numbers’..

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After listening to Randy’s Last lecture, I asked my mother about what I wished to be when I was young. (It’s a pity that I forgot everything about my childhood. As if years of education have erased my identity.) So she told me, “you once wanted to become a math teacher, and once a painter”.. few hours later she added, “and in your prep years, you wished to become a writer , then in secondary you wished to be an announcer..”..
By then, I didn’t remember anything about being a teacher or a painter. Not even a writer. But now I can tell.. Suddenly I recalled everything very well.

Painter?!
I used to draw when I was young. My arts teacher, Mrs. Azza used to motivate me always to persue drawing. Always a 10/10, and also nominated me for a scholarship like for painting (somewhere I don’t remember). I visited the place, and the guy there told my parents that my drawings were very mature compared to my age!
But of course I didn’t take this course. It was during the day, and my parents weren’t able to drive me there every morning, so I left it for somebody else. That was in my 5th primary as I remember. (worth to mention that I took 3rd place in Cairo for a drawing competition. These were the days my friend!).
I don’t blame my parents for this. I will be in their place someday. And painting is not of a profession to fight for, but rather more of a hobby. When I told my father once that I wanted to join the faculty of applied arts, he said “w howa el rasm by2akl 3eesh?”.. I believed him then..

Exactly in 2001, when I was in 2nd Secondary, I drew a black and white picture for a sad boy.. I claimed then it’s dedicated to the intifada (I’m not sure if I was true with myself). This was the last picture I drew, and till this moment, I am not sure if I can hold the pencil and draw again. It’s like million years has passed since the last time I held a pencil. And if I once did again, I will start by crying.. feeling as if falling down from a high mountain lingering to a talent.. but then again not sure if it would be there waiting for me still..

Math teacher?.. :) .. (mesh be3eda.. don’t worry..)
Math = arts . And teaching is the best way to communicate with people.. I remember when I was in prep year in college, I was working as hard as I can to get A and join the staff. (You can defiantly tell where I am from that dream now).. I wasn’t an excellent student in college, and I do not regret it. I was not ready to quit reading, writing or listening to radio. I think I’ve taken what matters: logical way of thinking.
Bear in mind, you are reading for someone who joined faculty of engineering to work as a sound engineer (my last chance to join the radio). Whenever I remember now, I laugh at myself. How naïve and with little experience I was. Especially when I discovered the bitter truth, I found that sound engineering in Egypt is a job for Diplomat fanya..
But the point is. Teaching is still in my mind. I still wish to work as a teacher or a professor. A trainer?.. Something where I can deal with and address people from a near place. I would put all my wisdom and knowledge (Ha! Ha!) within my daily talk. Forming a new generation, fighting the materialistic monsters of new world.
One day I thought I will lead the teachers’ wake up….
And that dream also failed to fulfill.. may be partially.. I am not a teacher yet.

Writer and announcer …
I do remember the announcing part very well. For years in life (and I mean years) I used to be an avid listener and friend to the European local service, and almost all international radio stations on the SW. DW, VOR, Radio China, Radio Japan, Voice from Australia (that’s now called hello).. etc. In Radio China they called me “المهرة البيضاء” for my brilliant Arabic writing, and I was interviewed in DW from Germany.
I feel proud mentioning that now..
You think I can turn into a teacher thru announcing?

As for writing..
Till just before my mother told me that I wished to become a writer when I was young, I thought that I wished to become a writer only after I opened my Arabic blog and started writing for real. But suddenly I remembered something that changed it all.
In my primary stage, I wrote a short novel called “خ ي ا ن ة” (treason and with letters mefarateen). I gave it to my Arabic teacher Mrs. Howayda. It was a colored little book with pictures I drew here and there, like ‘el maktaba el khadra’s books’. But she never returned this back to me! I want to have my book BACK!… it was a mix between Snow white fairy tale, and ‘Love story’. (I saw this movie when I was very young, and till now the idea hunts me, that I will live something as such one day.. )
In secondary stage, I wrote another novel but in English.. after reaching the 100 page, I forgot all about it. English is a weak language you can only use to disguise. Arabic is richer, and better to elaborate feelings in the correct form. You can guess now why this blog in English..
In College, I started the Arabic blog, and I had like roughly 10 articles published here and there; one of them in ‘Al Araby el Kuwaity’. I am very sure, If I worked more, I would have had a fixed column somewhere.. I am pretty sure of my words; yet I always claim that I don’t have something to say..!
Loss of self confidence or laziness?
Can I be a teacher and announcer thru writing?

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Few weeks ago I was having a related discussion with a colleague in the office. He told me that his childhood dream was to work as an interior designer. So I asked “why don’t you start a shift in career and work in the field you like then?”.. but his answer was the least I expected. I thought he’d say he needed the money (like I do) or waiting for a chance to study interior design, or even its in his plans but later on… but he actually said “which is better? To work in something you ‘like’ then escape to your hobby when you want to escape from life? Or to work in the hobby you ‘love’ and you would have nowhere else to escape to?”..
His words left me thinking with a faint echo in my head saying “life is short”!..

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These days I am reading “رحلتى الفكرية فى البذور والجذور والثمر” by AbdelWahab El Messery. This book is amazing. It might be my favorite book for this year or may be life time (I will review it isA, as soon as I finish the read, in my Arabic Blog: Lasto Adri). It’s a philosophical biography, where El Messery is comparing his life in Damanhour (Egyptian village) and USA. And begad, it’s very interesting, informative and worth the time. He’s comparing a materialistic society like USA, and a human society like Damanhour in the late 40’s and 50’s. You can bitterly laugh at the shocking facts, how we are gradually turning into a human-less environment.
There was a line he wrote that I won’t forget. He was talking about the more we find many options in life, the more decisions become the hardest thing in life; the thing that might lead to mental complications. And instead of being free to do whichever you like or choose whatever you want, you end up falling into a hesitant person, not knowing what you should do now. Many options and nothing in mind; you don’t know the difference between this or that. So you take the first thing you reach –or you hear of- with little satisfaction, telling yourself it’s a matter of trying to find what suits you best…
And it doesn’t matter now if you are applying the above words on things or Humans.
You can find a man in this mid 50’s and still searching for himself..

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I don’t wish to be so..

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I want to be something my children would be proud of. I want to revive the lost humanity, like el Messery is trying to convey in his books. (Rahmato ALLAH 3aleh)..
Could be teaching? Could be writing? Could be announcing?.. anything that would deal with human to human interaction.. I hate computerized world..
You know, in another part in his book, he said something brilliant I was actually thinking about the other day. That the more we claim we have controlled life through computers, the more we lose control. There would come a moment in time when experiences won’t be saved in mind, because your external memory that is taking care of your pet’s food will save your experiences somewhere. First it was general knowledge, now identities, then experiences… there we’d turn into a shadow creatures, with no past or present, slaves to ‘matter’..
Creating monsters out of your arrogance..

Woh! I love this book, and I think that it’s like a sign that I am reading it now. And though I don’t understand few parts, It’s very complicated at times, but I am trying, and will read it again isA..

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You know that I wished to enter faculty of political science one day.. but forgot about it because of the distance between the faculty and my house?! I wonder what was I thinking of then!.. And as well I refused the idea of faculty of Arts because it was a memorizing faculty!… as if engineering was not ‘for me’..

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The thing that always bothers me that I always knew that we live most of our life waiting and I end up doing nothing..
Now.. what I am waiting for?
When I was young, I waited to have money enough to buy the books my pocket money couldn’t afford. Now after I got the money, I am waiting for the time to read :) . So the change in plans was to wait for a little fortune that would let me live the ‘start’ of my life safely. BUT! How much is this fortune? what will I lose in return? … And the point is, by the time I would have this fortune, I will be occupied by a family stuff..
I am also waiting for the time that would come when I can go to the places I want to write about.. the desert.. el Hussine.. sina.. or other countries.. I want to have the freedom to go to Discussions I want without parental censorship. But who can confirm having this life after leaving my house?..

The boring cycle goes on and on and on..

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I am aware of my present and future. And most probably I am very hasty. But life is short, and the things I need to know and accomplish are a lot.. I am keeping my internet usage to minimum, but that’s not enough.i need to have better usage of my time, read more, write more. 1 hour reading per day is not enough.
I think by now, I am in a better understanding for myself.. (thanks to the lecture and the book).. And looking forward to the next step..

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